It’s officially been six months and …. 3 days since I have written a post. After many months of delivering bi-weekly blog posts, my writing and inspiration came to a screeching halt. As a songwriter, I’ve experienced this many times, but I didn’t expect to feel this way about blogging. Lindsay and I have found a grove in our writing styles where Lindsay constructed informative posts about specific topics she was most passionate about. I seemed to excel at the more intimate and introspective personal approach. When it came my turn to write again, I felt stunted and suddenly afraid. I became nervous that my writing wasn’t good enough, that I might be misunderstood, that I was divulging too much personal information, or that I would put so much work into something no one would even care about. Its obvious to me the former derives from my ongoing worry as a songwriter that people wouldn’t love my music. I was creating with the fear that my audience might not like it, or that the music wouldn’t be sufficiently commercially viable. As you can imagine, this severed my flow of creative energy and I found myself dreading the process, and quite frankly, becoming resentful of songwriting in general.
When I co-created Mystic Babe, I was thrilled that I had a creative project that had no limiting beliefs or expectation attached to it. We were free to do and say what we wanted without deadlines or stress. But, as I scroll through all my unfinished posts, I find myself right back in the position of frustrated, insecure artist staring at the blank word doc on my laptop. So despite the fact that I redirected the creative energy to a new art form, the limiting and fear-based beliefs seemed to follow. Funny how that works, eh?
So, as I wracked my brain for what I wanted to say for this post, I felt compelled to be 100% honest with you. My overwhelming Virgo-critical side has reared its ugly head recently and judged everything about my writing and delivery. I even stressed about the correct usage of semi colons and hyphens. I started to become hard on myself and lost touch with the essence of what we wanted Mystic Babe to become—A place to fearlessly share our truth to inspire other people on this spiritual path. I have to remember that my creativity is fueled by my vulnerability and not my technical prowess. My real gift lies in my ability to be authentic in my storytelling and inspiring people to do the same. When I come to my senses and release this self-imposed pressure, I find such beauty in the potential of my words affecting someone. The absolute joy I get from someone commenting on how much they related to my story. If my openness can make others feel like they can speak their truth about who they are and what they’ve experienced (no matter how weird or mystical) than I have done my job.
For those of you who are privy to the symptoms associated with Spiritual Ascension,you may relate to the feeling of losing touch with your passion and becoming confused about your goals. This combined with the process of shedding the ego really does a number on your spirit. Awakening is incredibly exciting and wonderful until it no longer is. After the honeymoon phase, the real work begins. 2014-2016 has been one of the most transformative and emotional periods of my life. This journey requires you to go deep within yourself and listen to a voice that often times, has been silent for far too long. The work becomes the main focus of your life and the parts of it that used to seem so important take a back seat to the inner knowing that nothing could ever be better for your soul than to dig deep. And that’s what I’ve been doing. Instead of writing songs. Instead of booking shows with my band. Instead of setting intentions. Instead of manifesting. Instead of going to the gym. Instead of working on my diet. Instead of writing for Mystic Babe.
So, when I sit back and look at what this life is and what it really means, I remind myself of what I’m really here to do. My art is not about me, my ego, or the accolades I may or may not ever receive. It’s about being authentic and channeling whatever needs to be said. It’s about sharing and helping to raise consciousness regardless of if I’m getting paid for it. So, I wish I could announce that I am fully back and ready to rock out and post weekly. But the truth is, I don’t know how I’ll be next week or next month. And I’m OK with that now. I am finally starting to trust that the higher-me has a greater plan and all I have to do is trust that it will lead me right back into the flow. Right where I belong.
“The winds of change are blowing wild and free. You ain’t seen nothing like me yet”-Bob Dylan