“Oh, it’s amazing living in the light”. I’m singing one of my favorite original songs at the top of my lungs and I can just sense the light and love from the crowd engulf me and I am 100% in my bliss. I’ve performed this song during times of stress and sadness and it’s always seemed to lift me up. But this time, I am on top of the world. Omnipotent. The last two weeks I have not come down from this cloud of simple joy. Joy from everything in life coming together. Joy from integrating all the amazing insights I had on my Peruvian spirit quest and really living from this new space of non-attachment. And admittedly, the cherry on top of my happy sundae was the new love interest in my life. A casual crush that had been brewing for months was finally starting to take form, which gave me all the more reason to smile. But I was casual about it because I practicing non-attachment right? Right?
Days later as I’m dancing around my apartment (yea, I do that. A lot.) (you should try it). I asked myself, “so, would you be this happy without this potential romance in your life?” I wondered how much was him, and how much was everything else. I decided yes, I would be. The sundae is still really good without the cherry. So I continued my week in this transcendent state and felt the all-familiar jolt of dopamine from seeing his name pop up on a text. You really know how you feel when you can’t deny the feeling you get from those little nuggets. So, while sparing you the details (wink wink), things begin to progress and now I’m officially in it. Everything’s comin’ up roses!
…Until the roses wilt and your cat pushes the vase to the floor and you’re stuck cleaning it up while you’re cursing the fact that you haven’t heard from him in almost 48 hours. 41 to be exact, but who’s counting? I don’t know if I’m more mad at him or myself. Mad at myself for letting this bring me down from my mystic babe bubble. Mad at the fact that no matter how much I progress on my spiritual path, or how much I work on myself, I am still a human. A human living in 3D reality where feelings exist no matter how inconvenient. Well fuck.
I wince as I get the “So tell me how it’s going with…” text from my girlfriend Rebecca. I cave and tell her everything. She’s as shocked as me and we delve into the all the “WTF’s!” and “I don’t get its” and “Men are SO from Mars!” for about an hour. I admit to her that I feel so 3D giving so much energy to this. Shouldn’t I be writing inspiring articles and songs? Shouldn’t I be meditating or focusing on something far more “important”? And always the fiery voice of reason, Rebecca tells me, (and I quote), “Ugh stop it with the ‘3D’. This is emotional and legit. And 3D is a friggen sacred divine dimension and experience! This shit is not for the shrinking violets or faint of heart. We are mothing fuckin masters by being here living in this messy stuff! It’s not less than or not as good as, or unholy, or shallow AT ALL. I’d love to see some of these light beings who’ve never incarnated and have only known airy fairy light and love come down here and experience separateness, aloneness, duality, and stupid men not texting. You are biologically and emotionally wired to seek connection and partnership. SO THERE.”
Leave it to the double Aries to tell it like it is. Preach woman! Of course she’s right. No matter how “evolved” we are as people, we still hit emotional roadblocks that continue to test us. This last year and a half I’ve opened up to a side of myself that had been apparently hiding in a dark corner. Newsflash: I’m sensitive! The tough exterior I had worn for so long was breaking off in large chunks leaving me naked and exposed. But this new insight definitely had its advantages. I felt a more profound connection to music, art, my work, my family, and all my friends. People started to notice a much softer side of me and two of my oldest friends separately told me how much they loved the “new Jamie”. I was starting to as well. There was never a moment where I set an intention or decided to change. As I trudge along my spiritual path, parts of me seem to start opening up without my conscious control. By being completely honest with myself, I’m opening a channel to a higher spiritual connection that is teaching me that, at the end of the day, love IS really all there is. The songs, the movies, and the books all got it right.
By allowing myself to embrace this potential relationship with an open heart and mind, I allowed myself to be vulnerable. And it was the beauty of that vulnerability that showed me that, dammit, I DO have a whole lotta love to give. I AM good at this love stuff. Just because I haven’t had the best track record with relationships, doesn’t mean that pattern has to be a part of my future. And this whole spiritual path of self-discovery and the elusive dating world do not have to be mutually exclusive. In fact, by committing to the integrity of my spiritual intentions, I think I’ll be much more aligned to the possibility of something truly magical coming into my life. Looking back, ya, I let my guard down and ya, I did end up getting hurt. And it sucked ass. I’ve discovered that dating disasters are the one thing that really blast me way out of alignment and make me question my sanity. But the fear of being hurt often prevents us from becoming fully willing to show our exposed selves. And that exposed self is beautiful gift that can teach you a hell of a lot. I took the risk and I have no regrets. I know this is part of my soul progression and it’s that belief that helps me swim out of the depths of my disappointment. I am on an epic journey and this is one tiny speed bump along my way. I’m stoked to keep working on my relationship with this “new Jamie” and even more excited to become the person that will attract the perfect mystic babe into my life. NEXT!